Gwaine! It's good to see you.
“Likewise Merlin.”
What brings you here?
“I thought you might want some company when you head out.” Merlin's face fell.
Subtlety is not Arthur's strong suit is it?
“I’m sorry Merlin I..I thought you'd be heading to the southern field.”
Am I missing my brain as well as my memories? NO. And I'm perfectly capable of..MERLIN listen to me! Every four days you go to the southern fields, alone if you can. I thought you might want some company this time, perhaps with a sword...nothing more than that.”
I don't know what to say. I'm sorry Gwaine. I didn't mean to come down on you. something other than my memory loss is causing me to react this way. Please let that suffice for now.
Easily old friend. Easily...but now I am definitely coming with you.
I would be glad for the company. An hour later they were on horses, trotting through the plain.
“you know the question I wish to ask you?
Ask it anyway, perhaps we're not thinking of the same thing.
“Why is Arthur avoiding you like a disease? He shuddered when I told him I would check on you.”
“...I lied to him. Apparently I've been lying to him for the past five years.”
Merlin, I think that bump on your head confused you more than we thought. I KNOW you Merlin. You would never lie even to save your LIFE.
“...according to Arthur, that's exactly what I have been doing.”
“You're serious?” --and you know exactly what I'm talking about?”
“Gaius tried to warn me that there was something different about you. I didn’t know what he meant.
You must not tell Arthur I told you, please Gwaine. Merlin, as far as I'm concerned, you haven't told me anything worth mentioning to him.” There was a soft smile shared between them. “This must be what friendship feels like” Merlin found himself thinking. The moment did not last long.
“ But it's something worth finding out, I'd be willing to wager.” Said a lady dressed in black coming out from behind a tree. At the sight of her Merlin’s stomach turned sour. And he wasn’t even sure why. She was the first person he’d seen here you hadn’t seemed at least somehow familiar. Part of this was explained when Gwaine began to draw his sword. “I wouldn’t try that is I were you. You see I’ve become a little better skilled since last we met. “As if to prove her statement she put out her hand and yanked Gwaine off of his horse, apparently by magic. “Well Merlin,” she said turning to the wizard. “It seems we meet again at last.”
”What do you know of me?”
“HA! I think you mean 'What do I want' with you. And that is simple: I want you to follow me.” “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t expect to find you here Merlin, so I didn't bring anything to bind you with, but I did bring this.” She points a sword at Gwaine's throat. “Come with me now, and you leave a friend behind. Wait 5 more seconds, and you leave a corpse.”
“Why don't you just pierce me?!” Merlin yelled at the top of his lungs. “Why threaten him?”
“Because, I know you well enough to know that you value fools like this more than your own life.” Merlin climbed down off his horse, his hands extended forward in a gesture of surrender.”
“You and I were friends once, weren't we?” WHACK!...
Merlin woke up. His head was pounding and his arms were sore. The latter was explained by the fact that his arms were chained above his head; what else would he have expected? Which of course raised the question – WHY were his arms chained above his head? For a moment he thought about asking the woman who was standing before him – until he realized that SHE was of course the one who'd chained him.
“Do you remember me?” she asked in a voice dripping with false sincerity.
“I wish I could say I don't recognize your face! I'll count it a blessing that I don't even know your name!”
“Well, that was an unexpected change! You have stomach now, even something resembling courage. And you were quite right earlier; at one time, you and I were friends.”
“What happened between us?”
The lady growled slightly before answering. “You really don't want to remember.”
“If you won't tell me what changed, at least tell me your name.”
“Why does it matter?” she asked in a voice full of bitterness.
“I want to know who, if not what it is I'm responsible for.” Her eyes closed to slits as she hissed at him.
“You're the ONE person I can think of who had NO part in making me! I am Morgana Pendragon.” Merlin's mind swirled at the sound of that name. He could see flashes of the lady before him smiling at a banquet in Camelot, sitting near Arthur – not yet the king, but next to an older man wearing the crown. And then an image of a fight in the Great Hall between Morgana and himself. “She must be Arthur's sister” thought Merlin as he shook his head to clear the memories. A trickle of sweat rolled down his back as he saw her smiling at him.
Gwenivere entered Arthur’s chambers happy as one could be. It was a custom for them to have breakfast together at first light on the third day of the week. However, when she walked in she could tell that breakfast was the farthest thing from Arthur’s mind. He was still in bed; and with such a melancholy expression on his face that Gwen thought he might be sick.
“What is it Arthur?” Gwen asked her friend gently, putting her arm around Arthur’s shoulder.
“It’s Merlin. There’s something different about him. I’m not even sure where to begin”
“Try.”
“Do you think it’s alright if friends have secrets?” Arthur said looking up.
“I would like to think true friends would be open about anything. But if you mean Merlin specifically…”
“What is it Gwen?”
“I can’t speak for him but I would want to speak on his behalf.” Despite his confusion and sadness, Arthur found himself smiling at her.
“What’s the difference?”
“I suppose there isn’t one. But listen to me Arthur. If Merlin has been keeping something from you, I’m sure he had a good reason for it.”
“Well yeah I suppose he did. He was saving his own neck!”
“Arthur, I have no idea what you’re talking about. And honestly, you’re scaring me.”
“Gwenivere, Merlin has Magic.”
There was a stunned expression on Gwen’s face, understandable to say the least. But a moment later it was replaced with a sad smile. “And you believe he was keeping quiet to save his own life?”
“That is what I am having trouble with. When I confronted him about it he didn’t seem at all concerned about his own fate. So…why then?”
“Have you considered asking Merlin about this, to his face?”
She was laughing at him but he was forced to admit, she had a point. There wasn’t much to be learned by sitting here in his chambers as Merlin, likely as not, sat somewhere alone afraid for his life.
“You’re right of course. But first I think I need to talk to Gaius again.”
This was a conversation he was not looking forward to. The last conversation he’d had with Gaius had ended far from amiably, and had been only hours ago. He knew there was no way Gaius could have forgotten it. But he hoped that Gaius might be willing to put it aside. But on that point, would he?
Arthur found Gaius apartments quickly. Gaius was there alone. Or at least he seemed to be.
“Gaius have you seen ‘Emrys’ about?”
“I hoped he’d be with you, or perhaps Gwaine, he was so out of sorts…Do you need me to fetch him? -- This was at first taken as useless banter, and it was a moment before Arthur realized the truth: Gaius didn’t know about their argument. This was going to be even harder than he’d thought.
“Gaius. I need to talk with you about Merlin.”
“Is he worse?”
Uh no. I don’t mean about his condition. I mean about…what he can do?”
The man’s face fell at this. It didn’t seem right somehow, that Merlin’s secret would be revealed when he could not give an account of why he’d kept it in the first place. “Sire, will you sit down?”
“Absolutely not!” Arthur said with an edge he had not intended.
“I’m sorry for barking. I just..Why didn’t you tell me?” This drew a stunned expression from the court physician. And when he next spoke, his voice was shaking with anger.
“Why didn’t I tell you?! Merlin was placed in my care! His mother trusted me to protect him from other people’s ignorance. He needed to know he could trust at least one person in this world and I wasn’t about to hand him over.” There was a pause as Gaius tried to control himself. “I think what you’re really here for is to find out why HE didn’t tell you. I can’t answer that. Except he wasn’t sure in his heart you'd understand.
“I’m not sure I do.” Arthur admitted. “That’s why I’m here.” Gaius stared at him.
“Are you angry because he betrayed Camelot or because he was ‘lying’ to you?”
Arthur opened his mouth to speak. “Never mind’ Gaius interjected. “It doesn’t matter; because either way you’re wrong. And I’ll say good evening to you.”
“What do you mean?” Arthur said, more out of sheer confusion than anger.
“Merlin is not here to defend himself and until he is I will not discuss this further. He thought he was protecting you and I wish he’d have been allowed to continue. There is nothing more to say. Good evening.”
Such was their previous talk. You can see now why Arthur was pensive in approaching him. When the king entered the room Gaius gave the requisite bow and immediately went about cleaning his equipment. There were some attempts made at civility but no real desire for it.
“Gaius I know what you probably think of me right now but I’m not here to argue about that. I’m here to speak of him as a person, concerning the present situation. Please hear me out: Something else is going on here. Merlin's lost his memory, that's obvious, but that wouldn't make him a boot-licking coward!”
“Threatening to expel him from his home might.”
Arthur shook his head in denial. “I never threatened him. We I haven't spoken since I found out about this...”
“The armor,” said Gaius with a sudden realization.
“I'm sorry?”
“You said he seemed interested in polishing your armor”
“ ‘Not because it was easy, but because it was fun’. So what of it?”
“You can't deny that Merlin has always been good at his work.”
“But when was the last time he thoroughly enjoyed it?” There was a faint light in Arthur's face as he realized the truth of the situation. “You’re saying he didn’t lose his memory at all, but his identity!”
“If he no longer has his own personality, he might have even lost his own convictions.” Gaius stated coarsely.
It was quite clear to Arthur what he’d meant by this.” “You believe Morganna is responsible.”
“Knowing what you now know sire, is it really that hard to believe?”
“..not for me” Gwaine panted as he hobbled in to the room. Arthur helped him into a seat. Gaius began to check the cut on Gwaine's forehead.
“Arthur, I told you something was wrong with him. Friends know these things about each other. And as Merlin just proved, they'd also do anything for each other.” Gaius turned to get a bandage for the bleeding.
“Gwaine, what's happened to Merlin?!” Arthur seemed in shock from what he’d just heard. But for all that he was as determined as ever to learn the truth.
“He gave himself up – to save a friend.” Gwaine's eyes closed and Arthur eased his head onto the table.
“Now it's my turn to do the same. Take care of him, Gaius.” Arthur grabbed his sword and hurried out of the room calling for a saddled mount
“You know, there is one thing I don't understand about you, Merlin” Morganna stroked her chin with a gesture borrowed from her father.
“Then at least we have that in common.”
“Have you not learned in your life not to joke when it's in jeopardy?”
“You haven't told me to keep silent, and I wasn't joking.”
“Why do you follow Arthur so blindly? He doesn't deserve your loyalty; surely you've seen that lately?”
“Rather the opposite. If I hadn't known it before, I know now. He deserves it.”
Her eyes widened in amazement. “Did that blow to your head weaken your senses even further?”
Merlin thought back to the memories of them fighting. “Morgana, I think we share a secret. Am I wrong?”
She stepped right up into his face. “Yes, I have magic, and Yes, I used it to take your memory!”
Merlin's eyes filled with disgust. “How on Earth could you have thought that helpful to you?”
She stepped back and after a moment drew herself up straight and regal. “I thought if you saw things with fresh eyes, you might see them more clearly. Apparently, I was wrong.”
Merlin shook his head, then turned it downward to hide the smile in his eyes. “Oh No, Morganna. That part you accomplished. I do see more clearly now. Gaius tells me I gave Arthur my devotion for reasons I didn't even understand.”
Morganna scoffed. “And now you see more clearly?”
“Yes, because now I've seen both why I follow him and, why you will never defeat him.”
“And why, please tell me, would that be?” Morganna purred at him.
“Do you know what a friend is, Morganna?”
“Enlighten me,” She ordered.
“A friend will do anything for a friend.” Arthur's voice caused Morganna to spin around to face him. She lashed out with her sword, but he blocked it and returned the stroke. Merlin looked up at his shackles.
“Dochiel dienvey!” At Merlin's command, the hinge pins disappeared. He pulled his hands free of the fetters and shook the blood back into them. Picking up a clay bowl from a nearby table, he smashed it over Morgana's head. She turned to look at him, but her eyes rolled up into her head and she crumpled to the floor unconscious.
“I'm surprised how good that felt.” Merlin said to the surprised Arthur, who was standing there with a stunned expression on his face.
“Are you all right? What happened?”Arthur seemed to have too many questions for his lungs.
“I'll get back to you on how I'm doing. Morganna has effective ways of compelling obedience, as I'm hoping you already know...hoping that Gwaine got back safely and that's why you're here. I have no idea where we are. Morganna is in the dark, so don't worry. And whatever the 'round table' is, I think I'm going to be alright for the first time since IT happened...if that answers your questions. I hope it does cause I've no other answers.”
“You feeling well enough to polish my saddle?” Arthur asked with a coy grin.
“Arthur, I -I don't - ”Merlin stammered.
“I can honestly say I was joking.” Arthur replied smiling more broadly than he had in three days.
“I take it he told you?” Gaius told Gwaine the moment his eyes were clear.
“Not quite.” Gwaine replied lazily. “You told me enough that I figured it out by what he said…which of course is what you’d intended, isn’t it?
“More or less.” Gaius replied chuckling. But when next Gwaine spoke, his smile vanished.
“Gaius. I can’t be trusted with this.”
“What do you mean? I’d say you’ve proven trustworthy to say the least!”
“No you don’t understand. I will never tell anyone, especially an enemy if I have any strength or self-control, you can trust me on THAT. But I cannot be trusted to control my tongue. I almost let it slip already.
At this moment that Merlin walked in. He gave a nod to signify he'd overheard the conversation. “You told me you had been an outcast before we met. I must ask you: would you be willing to be so again?”
Without hesitation.” Gwaine replied solemnly.
Well let’s hope it won’t come to that Merlin.”
There was very little cheer to be found in Merlin the next morning. Every friend he'd made in Camelot had either wished him well or told him to relax. He almost wished more people had known why he was so dis-heartened:he could use all the well wishers he could get right now. The trepidation he felt as he walked into the king's chambers was restrained as well as he could manage. But as he hoped Arthur would note, there was no attempt made to hide its existence.
“I present myself as ordered Sire, ready to face your Justice.”
Arthur looked up from the scrolls on his desk to re-examine the man in front of him. That Merlin would be apprehensive went without saying, but there was a sensation of, almost fear resonating from him. Which made Arthur more than a little uncomfortable himself. “What are you talking about Merlin?”
“Your judgment for...what I had failed to say, was postponed until the morning, but that is now at hand.” “Merlin, first of all RELAX. I'm not about to chop your head off or anything.”
Merlin raised his head slightly. But to Arthur's disappointment, kept his hands clasped firmly behind his back. Deciding to imitate the gesture, Arthur began pacing the floor in front of him.
“I'm disappointed in you Merlin. All the time we've known each-other, you've never bothered to tell me this about yourself. Why you thought you had to keep this a secret.” Merlin opened his mouth in surprise and made as if to speak. Arthur held up his right hand to stop him. “I've spent the last two days trying to sort it out, to come up with a reason why you lied to me. My first thought was 'it's against the law' but you've never been one to think of your own safety. I've noticed THAT about you if I've noticed anything. Then there was the concern you showed for Gaius; you might have been keeping quiet for his sake. But if you'd had the time to think this through, you could have either found a way to leave him completely out of it, or ask a pardon for him as I know you were in the process of doing when last we spoke.” He stopped his pacing directly in front of and 2 feet away from Merlin. With an apparent feat of effort, he turned to face the man. “It was me wasn't it? You didn't want me to think less of you. Or to feel that I had been betrayed...and before you open your mouth again...I EXPECT you to speak unreservedly TO me, as I have done to you.”
Several moments pause, Merlin seemed to have found his voice again, weak tho it was:
“I knew you would feel betrayed if you ever found out. I knew hiding the truth would make me a liar by default. But if this about perfect honesty sire; I was afraid of you. Afraid of your anger, your scorn, that you would turn out to be no different than anyone else.” He hung his head. “And that I'd lose any hope of calling you my friend.”
Arthur brushed away a tear. “Merlin you've never...well I won't say that. But if ever you lost my friendship, you gained it back, and not with these words, but last night.” Merlin stares at him. “I heard what you said to Morganna. You stood up to a roaring lion for me as stalwartly and staunchly as you stood up to ME when I had been...fierce and bull-headed about a few things. That's why I summoned you here tonight at all. I was afraid you were just being brave, or had decided you had nothing left to lose. For my part Merlin, we'll be alright...if you take a little more caution with your gifts that is.”
“Arthur you should know. I think Gwaine figured it out.
“what do you mean?” Arthur asked, some mixture of surprise and anger in his voice.
“I told him I'd apparently been lying to you for the past five years. (fondly) He actually laughed in my face at that. Said there was no way I would lie at all even to save my own life. A light dawned in Arthur's eyes.
“And you told him that's what you'd apparently been doing.”
...Merlin saw that Arthur's fist was clinched as if to strike him.
Arthur I was distracted, I'm so sorry.”
After what seemed to be an eternity, Arthur relaxed his fist and lowered his hands.
“You’re wrong there my friend.” Merlin looked up at him, dumbstruck. “You weren't being distracted, you were being honest; and I wouldn't expect anything less of you. But if you breathe A-word of this conversation to anyone but Gaius I will not be so understanding. And, as if to ensure Merlin had been paying attention, he 'asked': “AM. I. CLEAR?” “Yes MiLord.” Merlin replied nervously but firmly.
Dismissed.”
