Hollowness Stilled

 The second edition of Elyan's Illness. A little more focused and deliberate.

Merlin stood still as a stone. There was nothing left for him to do. Gwen and Arthur were both staring at him, but he could not even raise his eyes to theirs. His mind was full of the past several hours, his heart with the burden of the past two minutes. Had he honestly heard what he thought he'd heard come out of the King's mouth? Arthur's request had been straightforward 'Will you do anything you can for Elyan?' In the past this had always been in the context of his role as the physician Gaius' assistant, to care for the sick and repair the injured. He was quite good at his work in this regard, having learned much from his guardian over the years. It wasn't a second thought to him to care for a knight of the round table in this way. This time, there was something more to the request, something with which he was thoroughly uncomfortable. Arthur had asked him to do anything in HIS power to heal Elyan, and that was beyond caring for him as a physician's assistant. Merlin was a sorcerer. A fact of which the King was only newly aware. That Gwen had joined him in making this request demonstrated that Arthur had shared the secret with her. Which didn't bother Merlin in the slightest. He'd never had the courage to tell his friends to their faces. But through a combination of trickery, perception and pure coincidence, all of his closest friends knew the truth. Uther's ban on magic as a capital crime still stood, officially...so he couldn't tell anyone else. But Arthur had accepted Merlin for who as well as what he was and for the most part that was all that mattered to him. But it would be nice if the others took it as well when they found out. Merlin found his mind being drawn back to that morning two days prior, when he'd first been told of the disaster which now wrung his King's heart.

“Are you alright Milady..I mean Your Majesty?” Merlin asked of the queen.

“Merlin, how many times must I tell you to call me Gwen?”

“Obviously at least once more Milady.” The man replied sheepishly. “I'm not being pretentious when I say, I hope I have not done anything to put you in this mood.”

“No, you haven't.” Guinevere replied. “I'm just worried about Elyan, that's all.”

“I'm sure there's nothing wrong with him, he's fine. He'll be fine, you'll see.” Merlin stammered.

“You used to be a much more convincing liar, you know that?” Guinevere remonstrated him.

“Alright, I'm concerned about him as well. But I honestly can't see why, and I don't know anything I could do about it if I was right.”

“What do you think could be the matter?”

“Please Milady, don't ask me. It's nothing that makes any sense. I don't want you to laugh at me.”

“Merlin, I've never laughed at you for anything you've said; I'm not about to start now.”

Whatever Merlin would have answered was cut off by Sir Leon's entry into the room. “Your Majesty,” The man began slowly. “your brother is ill.” All three rushed out of the room and down to Gaius' chambers.

“What's wrong with him Gaius?” The King asked of the physician, who looked grim as he replied.

“In simple terms Sire, he is rotting from the inside out.”

“Elyan!” Guinevere exclaimed as she entered the room. She started to run to him, but Gaius grabbed her in his arms and set her in a chair.

“It's going to be alright Gwen, Merlin and I will find a way to heal him, we always do.”

Merlin had barely stepped inside the door before Arthur turned to him. “Is Gaius right?”

Merlin stared at him, open-mouthed. “That I'll do anything I can do, of course he is.”

“I mean that this can only happen by magic of the old religion.” Arthur said briskly. Merlin stared at him even more intently and Arthur realized there was no way Merlin could have known that at a glance, nor could he have heard Gaius' assessment at all. “Find out as quickly as you can. I need to know who or what is behind this.” King Arthur left the room as though there was nothing more to be said. Sir Leon followed him.

Guinevere sat where she was. “Gaius, what's happened to him?” Merlin asked of his guardian.

“His body behaves as though it's been poisoned...but I can't find any poison that could have acted this quickly. My only conclusion is that he has been cursed. I've never seen anything like it before.”

“I gathered that, but where was he when this happened? And was it really magic?”
“I can think of no other explanation. But that doesn't mean there isn't one” As Gaius recounted the details of Elyan's adventures as he knew them, Merlin realized something drastic would have to be done.

“Merlin, now would be a good time to say something.” Arthur said, startling him out of his thoughts. “I don't know why you are even asking me this.” The young wizard stated simply.

“Merlin, I know what I'm asking you to risk. I don't make this request lightly, but I had hoped I could count on our friendship this far, if not on any friendship you have with Elyan...I thought you said you would continue as you've always done?” Arthur's voice had been more calm and cool in saying this than Merlin had heard from him in almost three years. For that very reason, Merlin was having a hard time making sense of it.

“I know what I said, Your Highness. Which is why I'm confused. It's Elyan's affair what he thinks of me after all this happens, assuming it leads to this revelation at all.”

“I don't see how you'll be able to keep it from him.” Arthur stated in a mixture of impatience and joy.

“True.” Merlin admitted. “In which case, he'll go straight to you with what he learned, unaware that you already know and you'll have to deal with it...well however you see fit, but it won't be easy.”

“So you'll do it?” Gwen asked him gently.

“I said it before and I'll say it again: I have never thought of using my abilities for any reason than to protect you and the kingdom. And to that I hold.”

“Merlin, what's wrong?”

Gwen's customarily gentle voice and manner did nothing to quell the sick feeling in Merlin's stomach. For the first time in his memory he felt like either weeping or yelling at the woman who, though now a queen, had been his equal and confidant for most of his time in Camelot. “Either my memory hasn't come back after all or I've been flat out wrong about what it indicated.” He turned to face his lord. “I thought you knew me as an honest soul.” He walked out of the room without another word.

“What happened?” Merlin said aloud to no one in particular. He looked down the hall, decided to keep his thoughts inside his head as he worked through this mess, and continued his musings. How could things change so completely, and in so short a time to make his best friend no longer trust him, no longer know him. 'over the past 5 years I've learned to trust you with my life.' Arthur had said. Either some thing had changed and he'd lost that trust, or the statement, so soon after his revelation had been a lie and he hadn't seen it til now. To his mind there was no other option. 'I gave my word; I'll keep it.' Merlin thought bitterly. 'But this is for Elyan, not for you old friend.'

“What was that all about?” The King asked a few moments after Merlin had left, looking up at Gwen with near-pleading in his eyes.

Gwen stared at the doorway. “I think he was disappointed in you, in us...And he has a right to be.”

“What are you talking about? You heard Gaius same as me. Elyan will likely die if Merlin doesn't find a way to save him. He gave me his word when I found out about this that he'd help any way he could.”

“And we should have trusted him enough to know that he would keep that word!”Gwen said firmly.

Silence filled the room for a few moments. “I see what you mean.” The King said at last.

Merlin returned to his home to speak with Elyan as privately as what mattered to him. He walked to the knight's bedside, nearly knocking over a basket of apples in the process but no-one really cared. He handed the knight a small jar with thick liquid. “Elyan, this concoction will make you well enough to travel. After it wears off you'll feel exhausted but it'll work. We must return to where this started, and hopefully figure a cure.” This had been Merlin's message to the knight, whose only reply had been to drink the potion and nod.

That was now some hours ago, and they were on their way. Elyan had not lived in Camelot more than a year or so, having come to live with Gwen after being granted the title of Knight at the table of the ancient kings. In all his time at court he'd only known Merlin from a distance; which would have troubled him if he'd let it. He knew how close of a friend Merlin was to his sister, and earnestly wanted to know more about the man. There was no doubt that it might only be a question of asking Merlin to his face. The man had a reputation of being an open book, so there was nothing preventing his asking as far as that went. But for some reason he'd not yet had the courage to ask. Guinevere was now the queen of Camelot, and Merlin an attendant to the King. Elyan had hoped it would usher in an age of equality and justice, and so far he had not been wrong.

“I must admit Merlin. I’m not sure why you’ve insisted on being the one to come with me.”

“It’s a favor to Arthur. And a way to prove myself to him.”

“No offense but I’d think you’d have already done that.”

“…Elyan. If something were to happen here, that could have only one possible explanation, would you be able to accept the evidence of your own eyes?”

“If you mean magic, I rather assumed something like that was…”

“LIKE it, yes. I’m not sure what we’re going to find here, but please, keep an open mind.”

“It was right around here somewhere.” Elyan told Merlin casually.

“That you were poisoned?” Merlin asked in an equally calm voice.

“Well that I began feeling ill anyway.” Elyan clarified.

“Which means whatever caused it is slightly farther up ahead.” Merlin stated easily, his mind firmly not in the present moment. Not to the knight's eyes at least.

“Merlin, what's wrong?” Elyan asked in a voice to suggest he didn't really expect an honest answer.

“When we're done here.” Merlin whispered solemnly.

“You've come back you little thief.” A woman's voice said from somewhere before them. Elyan's eyes dashed around himself but Merlin was staring forward. He now was quite certain of what had happened, but not how to deal with it.

“Please,” Merlin said to the emptiness around him. “show us...talk with us as we do to ourselves.”

A moment later a woman came into view, leaning heavily on the branches of an apple tree. One look at this waif-like creature told Merlin three things: She was a dryad, she was ill, and that tree was her home. What surprised him however, so he would say later, was how quickly Elyan had come to that conclusion.

“What should I call you?” Merlin began pleasantly.

“I do not have a name.” She said meekly. In quite a different voice continued. “Now ask the other one why he has come back.” Merlin motioned for Elyan to keep quiet.

“His body is rotting much as, I believe, your own form is. We've traveled here to discover the cause and to heal him.” Elyan and the woman both looked at him in surprise. He decided to ignore the reaction for the moment. “I have one question to ask: what is needful to make you both well again?”

“This thief only bears the consequences of his actions. My last hope was my children and he took that from me! Even if something could be done I would not have it done!”

This was likely the first time in almost six years Merlin was actually upset that he'd been right.

“Merlin, what's going on?” Elyan asked him, thoroughly confused.

“I don’t rightly know.” Merlin replied without turning his head. “Will you please tell him?”

“My body is rotting. All my hope was in my children.” The statement was to Merlin in a quiet, deliberate voice, as though she were trying to explain to him her own form of Justice. She turned again to Elyan. “Because of you I no longer have them. Now you bear the weight of my sickness.”

“The apples I gave to Gwen?” Elyan said, a light dawning in his eyes.

“It was an innocent mistake..” Merlin began.

Emptiness and Discovery from Camelot

 “Gwaine! It's good to see you.”

“Likewise Merlin.”

“What brings you here?”

“I thought you might want some company when you head out.” Merlin's face fell.

“Subtlety is not Arthur's strong suit is it?”

“I’m sorry Merlin I..I thought you'd be heading to the southern field.”

“Am I missing my brain as well as my memories? NO. And I'm perfectly capable of..”

“MERLIN listen to me!” Gwaine interupted. “Every four days you go to the southern fields, alone if you can. I thought you might want some company this time, perhaps with a sword...nothing more than that.”

“I don't know what to say. I'm sorry Gwaine. I didn't mean to come down on you. something other than my memory loss is causing me to react this way. Please let that suffice for now. “

“Easily old friend. Easily...but now I am definitely coming with you.”

“I would be glad for the company.”

an hour later they were on horses, trotting through the plain. “you know the question I wish to ask you?

Ask it anyway, perhaps we're not thinking of the same thing.

“Why is Arthur avoiding you like a disease? He shuddered when I told him I would check on you.”

“...I lied to him. Apparently I've been lying to him for the past five years.”

Merlin, I think that bump on your head confused you more than we thought. I KNOW you Merlin. You would never lie even to save your LIFE.

“...according to Arthur, that's exactly what I have been doing.”

“You're serious?” --and you know exactly what I'm talking about?”

“Gaius tried to warn me there was something different about you. I didn’t know what he meant, until now.

You must not tell Arthur I told you, please Gwaine. Merlin, as far as I'm concerned, you haven't told me anything worth mentioning to him.” There was a soft smile shared between them. “This must be what friendship feels like” Merlin found himself thinking. The moment did not last long however

“But it's something worth finding out, I'd be willing to wager.” Said a lady dressed in black coming out from behind a tree. At the sight of her Merlin’s stomach turned sour. And he wasn’t even sure why. She was the first person he’d seen here you hadn’t seemed at least somehow familiar. Part of this was explained when Gwaine began to draw his sword. “I wouldn’t try that is I were you. You see I’ve become a little better skilled since last we met. “As if to prove her statement she put out her hand and yanked Gwain off of his horse, apparently by magic. “Well Merlin,” she said. “It seems we meet again at last.”

”What do you know of me?”

“HA! I think you mean 'What do I want' with you. That is simple: I want you to follow me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t expect to find you here Merlin, so I didn't bring anything to bind you with, but I did bring this.” She points a sword at Gwaine's throat. “Come with me now, and you leave a friend behind. Wait 5 more seconds, and you leave a corpse.”

“Why don't you just pierce me?!” Merlin yelled at the top of his lungs. “Why threaten him?”

“Because, Merlin, I know you well enough to know that you value fools like this more than that of your own life.” Merlin climbed down off his horse, his hands extended forward in a gesture of surrender.”

“You and I were friends once, weren't we?” WHACK!...

Merlin woke up. His head was pounding and his arms were sore. The latter was explained by the fact that his arms were chained above his head; what else would he have expected? Which of course raised the question – WHY were his arms chained above his head? For a moment he thought about asking the woman who was standing before him – until he realized that SHE was of course the one who'd chained him.

“Do you remember me?” she asked in a voice dripping with false sincerity.

“Your face, yes sadly. I count it a blessing that I don't know your name!”

“Well, that was an unexpected change! You have stomach now, even something resembling courage. And you were quite right earlier; at one time, you and I were friends.”

“What happened between us?” The lady growled slightly before answering.

“You really don't want to remember.”

“If you won't tell me what changed, at least tell me your name.”

“Why does it matter?” she asked in a voice full of bitterness.

“I want to know who, if not what it is I'm responsible for.”

Her eyes closed to slits as she hissed at him. “You're the ONE person I can think of who had NO part in making me! I am Morganna Pendragon.” Merlin's mind swirled at the sound of that name. He could see flashes of the lady before him smiling at a banquet in Camelot, sitting near Arthur – not yet the king, but next to an older man wearing the crown. And then an image of a fight in the Great Hall between Morganna and himself. “She must be Arthur's sister” thought Merlin as he shook his head to clear the memories. A trickle of sweat rolled down his back as he saw her smiling at him.

Gaius, listen to me. Something else is going on here. Merlin's lost his memory, that's obvious, but that wouldn't make him a boot-licking coward!”

“Threatening to expel him from his home might.” Arthur shook his head in denial.

“I never threatened him. He and I haven't spoken since I found out about this...”

“The armor,” said Gaius with a sudden realization.

“I'm sorry?”

“You said he seemed interested in polishing your armor”

“yeah ‘Not because it was easy, but because it was fun’. So what of it?”

“You can't deny that Merlin has always been good at his work.”

“But when was the last time he thoroughly enjoyed it?” there was a faint light in Athurs face as he realized the truth of the situation. “you’re saying he didn’t lose his memory at all, but his identity!”

“If he no longer has his own personality, he might have even lost his own convictions.” It was quite clear to Arthur what he’d meant by this.”

“You believe Morganna is responsible.”

“Knowing what you now know sire, is it really that hard to believe?”

“..not for me” Gwaine panted as he hobbled in to the room. Arthur helped him into a seat. Gaius began to check the cut on Gwaine's forehead.

“Arthur, I told you something was wrong with him. Friends know these things about each other. And as Merlin just proved, they'd also do anything for each other.” Gaius turned to get a bandage for the bleeding.

“Gwaine, what's happened to Merlin?!” Arthur seemed in shock from what he’d just heard. But for all that he was as determined as ever to learn the truth.

“He gave himself up – to save a friend.” Gwaine's eyes closed and Arthur eased his head onto the table.

“Now it's my turn to do the same. Take care of him, Gaius.” Arthur grabbed his sword and hurried out of the room calling for a saddled mount

“You know, there is one thing I don't understand about you, Merlin” Morgana stroked her chin with a gesture borrowed from her father.

“Then at least we have that in common.”

“Have you not learned in your life not to joke when it's in jeopardy?”

“You haven't told me to keep silent, and I wasn't joking.”

“Why do you follow Arthur so blindly? He doesn't deserve your loyalty; surely you've seen that lately?”

“Rather the opposite, Morganna. If I hadn't known it before, I know it now. He deserves it.”

Her eyes widened in amazement. “Did that blow to your head weaken your senses further?”

Merlin thought back to the memories of them fighting. “Morgana, I... I think we share a secret. Am I wrong?” She stepped right up into his face. “Yes, I have magic, and Yes, I used it to take your memory!”

Merlin's eyes filled with disgust. “How on Earth could you have thought that helpful to you?”

She stepped back and after a moment drew herself up straight and regal. “I thought if you saw things with fresh eyes, you might see them more clearly. Apparently, I was wrong.”

Merlin turned his head downward to hide a smile. “Oh No, Morganna. That part you accomplished. I do see more clearly now. Gaius said I gave Arthur my devotion for reasons I didn't understand.”

She scoffed. “And now you see more clearly?”

Yes, now I've seen with my own eyes; both why I follow him and, why you will never defeat him.”

“And why, please tell me, would that be?” Morganna purred at him.

“Do you know what a friend is, Morganna?”

“Enlighten me,” she ordered.

“A friend is someone who'll do anything for a friend.” Arthur's voice caused Morganna to spin around to face him. She lashed out with her sword, but he blocked it and returned the stroke.

Merlin looked up at his shackles. “Dochiel dienvey!” At Merlin's command, the hinge pins disappeared. He pulled his hands free of the fetters and shook the blood back into them. Picking up a clay bowl from a nearby table, he smashed it over Morganna's head. She turned to look at him, but her eyes rolled up into her head and she crumpled to the floor unconscious.

“I'm surprised how good that felt.” Merlin said to the surprised Arthur.

“I take it he told you?” Gaius told Gwaine the moment his eyes were clear.

“Not quite.” Gwaine replied lazily. “You told me enough that I figured it out by what he said…which of course is what you’d intended, isn’t it?

“More or less.” Gaius replied chuckling. But when next Gwaine spoke, his smile vanished.

“Gaius. I can’t be trusted with this.”

What do you mean? I’d say you’ve proven trustworthy to say the least!”

“No you don’t understand. I will never tell anyone, especially an enemy if I have any strength or self-control left; you can trust me on THAT. But I cannot be trusted to control my tongue. I almost let it slip already.

At this moment that Merlin walked up to him. He gave a to signify he had overheard the conversation. “You told me you had been an outcast before we met. I must ask you: would you be willing to be so again?”

Without hesitation.” Gwaine replied solemnly.

Well let’s hope it won’t come to that Merlin.”

There was very little cheer to be found in Merlin the next morning. Every friend he'd made in Camelot had either wished him well or told him to relax. He almost wished more people had known why he was so dis-heartened:he could use all the well wishers he could get right now. The trepidation he felt as he walked into the king's chambers was restrained as well as he could manage. But as he hoped Arthur would note, there was no attempt made to hide its existence.

“I present myself as ordered Sire, ready to face your Justice.”

Arthur looked up from the scrolls on his desk to re-examine the man in front of him. That Merlin would be apprehensive went without saying, but there was a sensation of, almost fear resonating from him.

“What are you talking about Merlin?”

“Your judgment for...what I had failed to say, was postponed until the morning, but that is now at hand.” “Merlin, first of all RELAX. I'm not about to chop your head off or anything.”

Merlin raised his head slightly. But to Arthur's disappointment, kept his hands clasped firmly behind his back. Deciding to imitate the gesture, Arthur began pacing the floor in front of him.

I'm disappointed in you Merlin. All the time we've known each-other, you've never bothered to tell me this about yourself. Why you thought you had to keep this a secret.” Merlin opened his mouth in amazement and made as if to speak. Arthur held up his right hand to stop him.I've spent the last two days trying to sort it out, to come up with a reason why you lied to me. My first thought was 'it's against the law' but you've never been one to think of your own safety. I've noticed THAT about you if I've noticed anything. Then there was the concern you showed for Gaius; you might have been keeping quiet for his sake. But if you'd had the time to think this through, you could have either found a way to leave him completely out of it, or ask a pardon for him as I know you were in the process of doing when last we spoke.”

-- He stopped his pacing directly in front of and 2 feet away from Merlin. With an apparent feat of effort, he turned to face the man.

It was me wasn't it? You didn't want me to think less of you. Or to feel that I had been betrayed...and before you open your mouth again...I EXPECT you to speak unreservedly TO me, as I have done to you.”

several moments pause, Merlin seemed to have found his voice again, weak tho it was:

I knew you would feel betrayed if you ever found out. I knew hiding the truth would make me a liar by default. But if this about perfect honesty sire; I was afraid, of you. Afraid of your anger, your scorn, that you would turn out to be no different than anyone else. He hung his head once again...and that I'd lose any hope of calling you my friend.

he brushes away a tear: Merlin you've never...well I won't say that. But if ever you lost my friendship, you gained it back; not with these words, but last night. Merlin stares at him. I heard what you said to Morgana. You stood up to a lion for me as stalwartly as you stood up to ME when I had been so. That's why I summoned you here tonight at all. I was afraid you were just being brave. As far as I'm concerned Merlin, we'll be alright...if you take a little more caution with your gifts that is.

“Arthur you should know. I think Gwaine figured it out.

“what do you mean?” Arthur asked, some mixture of surprise and anger in his voice.

“I told him I'd apparently been lying to you for the past five years. (fondly) He actually laughed in my face at that. Said there was no way I would lie at all even to save my own life. A light dawned in Arthur's eyes.

“And you told him that's what you'd apparently been doing.”

...Merlin saw that Arthur's fist was clinched as if to strike him.

Arthur I was distracted, I'm so sorry.”

After what seemed to be an eternity, Arthur relaxed his fist and lowered his hands.

“You’re wrong there my friend.” Merlin looked up at him, dumbstruck. “You weren't being distracted, you were being honest; and I wouldn't expect anything less of you. But if you breathe A-word of this conversation to anyone but Gaius I will not be so understanding. And, as if to ensure Merlin had been paying attention, he 'asked': “AM. I. CLEAR?” 

 “Yes MiLord.” Merlin replied nervously but firmly. Arthur looked at him for a moment longer and dismissed him. Merlin bowed deeply and withdrew.'

A dream...or Memory of Camelot

He awakens slowly. It is several moments before he fells that he is lying down. He wants to get up, but somehow this seems like a BAD idea. There is a faint voice behind him; someone is looking for him.

No, he is looking for someone called Merlin.

“but that's me” he thinks to himself, “isn't it?”

A young, blonde haired man approached him.; familiar and yet not so.

“Merlin there you are we thought we'd lost you!”

“What? Who?”

“right, very funny Merlin.”

“why do you call me that?

“It's your name when last I checked.”

“Then your check was wrong” Merlin said simply. “My name is Emrys.”

--the expression on the young kings face changed from bemusement to bewilderment in the blink of an eye. He quickly recovered however.

“alright. I'll go along with this for now. But if it turns out you're faking it, you'll be polishing my armor til you're blinded from the glare!”

“You say that like it's a punishment? I remember that, wave of my hand glint of the sun, all better now.”

“he might have been drunk except that we'd been gone since first light” Arthur would say later.

“are you two alright” a man called from a top the hill.

“no damage on my end Gwaine but uh, I think Emrys here could use one of Gaius' strongest tonics.

“Gaius? Good man Gaius, love his books.”

this was getting to be too much for the young king. He could only hope Merlin WAS only pretending.

Several hours later, Merlin lay on his bed in Gaius chambers at the palace. Both Arthur and Merlin were standing over him.

“You say he didn't even know his own name?” Gaius asked Arthur presently.

“worse than that Gaius. He called himself Emrys.” upon noticing Gaius' startled look, “that name doesn't mean anything to you does it?

“I'm afraid not sire. I'm left to wonder how his mind latched onto that name.”

“perhaps he found it in one of your books. He did say you had very good books.”

funny, he didn't seem that interested in them before.”

“nor in polishing my armor.” At this Gaius started.

“He remembered that?!

Well, yes. Why?

“If he knows you and he knows me, then he knows what is familiar to him. It's all still in there somewhere. A few more days we might have the old Merlin back...but I think we should let him sleep.”

I won't dispute that Gaius. Good night.”

Arthur walked out of the room into the hall. To his surprise he found Gwaine there, pacing nervously.

“How is he Arthur?”

“Gaius said it's not as bad as it looked. He says, give it a few days, he'll be back to normal. (sigh of relief) Come on, let's go and have some supper. (relief instantly replace by sadness)

“what is it Gwaine?”

“I'll stay here, with Merlin. I'm not that hungry anyway.”

“I have never seen you tremble so much, even in combat. What's wrong?

“Aren't you worried about him?”

“Gwaine” he said slowly, “of course I am. But I can do nothing for him here and neither can you. I think we should go and eat something”

“Friends can help just by being their Arthur. I know this from when my mother died. I never told you this, but, though my loyalty is to you, My devotion is to him. He is my friend.”

Arthur stared as if he didn't know what to think.

“The simple truth is, unless you order me to the feast, I'm staying right here.”

“then you should stay, and be with him.”

The sun was just beginning to peak through the window as Merlin finally woke up. There was a man in front of him, vaguely familiar. “Gaius” he guessed.

“...no. I uh sent him off to get some sleep about an hour ago.”

“and you stayed up with me?”

“Believe me Merlin, it was the least I could do.”

“May I ask you why?”

“I would think you were using false sincerity Merlin! But if you need to know, when I came to Camelot almost two years ago, I was, to put it mildly, an outcast. You were the only one who stood by me. When next we met, I called you the only friend I had. And I believe you still are.”

“I'm sorry...I can't even remember your name.”

(laughing) It's Gwaine. SIR Gwaine to most people now. But like I said, you and I go back too far for that. Arthur will be wanting to see you as soon as you are well enough.”

“Arthur? The man who found me? What am I to him?”

“I uh..I'm not sure I know what you mean.”

“If there's one thing I sense, remember or know, it's that I belong at Arthur's side. I'm hoping someone here will tell me why.” --Gaius approaches.

“You are his servant Merlin. That is your station. But I would somewhat think the two of you more, companions, if all were at rights.” Gwaine stared at him as though fearing he'd gone senile. Apparently either his words, or the manner in which he said them were 'other than ordinary'. To Merlin it seemed that Gaius was trying to send him a message, one that Gwaine wasn't supposed to hear.

“I should go to him.” Gwaine instantly stood up to protest:

“Merlin you're ill. I'm sure he'd understand.”

“no. let him go.” Gaius said gently.

Gwaine, will you stay a moment?” Gaius asked him when Merlin had left.

“Of course Gaius, what’s wrong?”

“I heard what you said a few moments ago. I have something to tell you I’m not sure you’d believe. Gwaine’s eyes widened a moment in expectation. It seemed to him that there was something dreadful in what Gaius was about to say.

I’m concerned about Merlin. If word got out about his condition…If Morganna somehow found out about it; he wouldn’t be the only one in danger.

“I’ve seen Merlin jump down a dragon’s throat for Arthur. As close to Arthur as he is, it wouldn’t surprise me at all if Arthur could be put in danger by this.”

“Indeed Gwaine. But that’s not all I was referring to.”

“I see Gaius.” Gwaine said with a somewhat sad expression on his face. “The issue isn’t whether I can defend Merlin; it’s whether he could trust me enough to let me.”

This was not entirely so, but Gaius decided to let the explanation suffice. “Gwaine I know he can trust you with his life. I just, I don’t want him to think you’re being a mother hen.”

“I believe I understand Gaius. When next I see him, I’ll ask him to join me on a ride?”

“Thank you Gwaine.”

Arthur is sitting at his desk. Merlin is moving about the chambers tidying and cleaning.

“Merlin, could you bring me the scrolls from the middle shelf of the cabinet?” Arthur asked without looking up from the tax records on his desk. Merlin looked over at the cabinet and pictured it in his mind. The door opened and the needed scrolls floated out and across the room, settling on the corner of Arthur's desk. Arthur looked up.

“Thank- how did you get over there so quickly?” Merlin turned to face the King.

“Sire?”

Arthur reached for the scrolls. “Never mind...”

Merlin shrugged his shoulders and continued arranging the clothing in the cupboard. After sorting the tunics and breeches according to color, he placed the matching boots beneath each set.

“Merlin, (cough) bring me some water.” Merlin saw the pitcher in his mind and floated it across from the table. Arthur looked up and saw it when it was in the middle of the room. As it landed on his desk, he slowly moved his chair back – a small knot of fear forming in his stomach. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words refused to form in his mind from the shock of what he'd just seen. Finally, his voice broke through.

“MERLIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Merlin snapped around and saw the pale faced king. Arthur had risen from his chair and stood with one hand pointing at the vessel of water.

“You asked for the water, Sire.”

“NOT LIKE THAT! There are LAWS against magic. You know this!!” Merlin held his hands loosely by his side with his palms facing forward.

“I swear to you, I didn't know! I didn't remember!” Arthur stepped around his desk and over to his servant. Merlin backed up against the wall behind him.

“How long have you been able to use magic?”

“Until this morning, I didn't know that I could. I reached for my scarf, and it jumped in to my hand.”

“Did anyone see you do this?” Arthur grabbed Merlin's shoulder.

“I was in my room alone. I was well away from the window.” Arthur's steel eyes looked right into Merlin's. he could not see any signs of dishonesty, but that did not mean Merlin had just been careless.

“Has anyone seen you use magic before now?”

“I haven’t noticed anyone reacting to it. I think if anyone had seen me, you would have heard of it.” Arthur released Merlin and turned away. He picked up the pitcher of water, and then thumped it back onto the desk. Merlin did not move.

“Merlin, in the past 5 years, I've learned to trust you with my life. And now you do this. Do you have any idea the sort of trouble you're in?” Merlin nodded his head with wide eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this angry before. But please, before you do anything, may I ask you something?

“Merlin, you must not have any idea what’s going on to ask a favor of me now.” Arthur grumbled.

"Not a favor MiLord; a question."

“Make. It. Brief.”

“Will Gaius be all right?”

“Merlin, right now you are in more trouble than anyone could possibly be in, and yet you're more worried about Gaius than yourself. That is so like you.” Arthur finally poured himself a glass of water. “It's like you don't even care about what happens to yourself, only to others."

“Sire, right now, I don't care what happens to me, not compared to the man I feel is my guardian.”

“You think he knows?”

“If I've been here for 5 years, he must know.” Horrified, Merlin covered his mouth with his hand as if he could protect Gaius with that gesture. Arthur sank into the chair behind his desk.

“I shall talk to Gaius about you. Until then, carry on with your duties. You and I shall speak later.”

Merlin tried not to shake as he bowed to the King. --“Yes, Sire.”

A dawn of Paradise

 “You have taken it very well that I have killed your master.” Balian stated with his sword dug into the sand by the other man's head.

“I am in no place to deny my master paradise. And he underestimated you, it was fair.”

“Yes, I suppose that's a good way to see things.” The Frenchman hesitated a moment. “What do you expect right now?”

“I...that you'll either finish what Mummad al-Fais started or take me with you someplace.”

“Take me to Jerusalem.” The other man stood up, brushed himself off and bowed his head.

As the Saracen walked to the horse his master had rode in on, he held out a hand to the steed and it licked his palm. “Very well.” He said, without looking at Balian.

“One thing first.” Balian insisted. “What is your name?”

“My name is Imad.” Was the simple reply.

The pair rode off toward Jerusalem without another word.

Although they had rode at an easy pace, almost neck and neck while on the road to the Holy City, Balian pulled his horse just barely ahead of the other as they approached the city itself. They entered the city without hesitation or argument. Imad pulled a cloak or a veil over his face almost as soon as they were within the walls. Several streets into the city they came to a bazaar, a market for spices and root vegetables, as well as pottery or glassware. Balian did not stop until he came to a water trough. They dismounted to splash their faces and water their steeds.

'You asked its permission.” Balian stated firmly. Imad looked up, clearly startled. “I AM Godfrey's son, the Baron of Ibelin. But in France I was a blacksmith, I know horses. You held out your hand to see if his steed would accept you, without trying to buy that acceptance with a carrot or anything.”

“True, but I think I should give them something now.” Balian nodded his affirmation. Within a minute Imad had pulled a couple of broken carrot pieces from his satchel and handed one to each horse.

“I was not raised with...Godfrey was a stranger to me until a short time ago.” Balian said, speaking very softly, but plainly. “You should go; be about your business, be with those you care for.”

“Forgive me but are you jesting with me?” Imad whispered.

“No, why would I...I do not understand.”

“Sir, I cannot leave you. God has brought us together where by anything I know, we would not have met. I will not turn away from the path he has so clearly placed beneath my feet. I do not know what to expect from you, but I am not permitted to leave your side. I will not leave until I have paid my debt.”

“You speak as if I had saved your life.”

“Sir, please...I promise I will explain...if I ever learn to understand myself. I honestly feel I will live a life truly worth living, more worth my time if that's possible...if I go with you. And I will NOT dishonor my family by leaving you here.”

“Imad, I am on my way to Gethsemane. I do not think they would welcome you.”

“I can wait just outside the mound itself, with the reins of the horses wrapped around my wrists.”

“I'm not going to dissuade you from this, am I?” Imad shook his head slowly. “Alright. But my name is Balian, please don't call me anything else.”

“Very well...Balian.”

EDITORS NOTES: Imad and Balian are the same people as they are shown or represented in any other story I have writen based on Kingdom of Heaven. But there is not the same understanding between them. Content inspired by stories I wrote in the style of a my favorite vinette; Miri's Final Honor. The story itself was created and developed from conversations in my mind's eye with Drinian or Imad. Balian thinks Imad's brief name is a reflection of how little he is regarded by his people. Which seems to be supported by his timidity and soft speech. The revelation that the man simply dropped the suffix that would raise him so high...will be worth the wait this time.

JiC

 Jafar's woman walked several paces behind me as I led her out of the great hall. My room was a cold garret compared to the harems quarters, but still far more comfortable and spacious than most people had, even in the castle. And at least it was my own. Most of the servants shared large rooms with other servants. Only those who served Jafar in a personal, direct capacity had their own rooms at all. I was pretty sure Sapphire wouldn't actually complain to me about my living arrangements. But I still hoped she wouldn't personally, or privately disdain them either. Not that it meant much, she was treated better than I was, along with Jafar's other two favorites...but no better or more comfortable than either of them. And if the dismissive attitude he now showed her, giving her to me for the night with no restrictions or qualifications, or even looking her way...right now she wasn't considered equal to them either, right now.

If he needed to Jafar could enthrall these women to his will by magic. He could destroy their will and self identity in a moment of power. But he didn't need that with these three. They were sincerely honored by his affections and eager to attend him. Which meant the girl he had dismissed from his presence to be with me, even for a single night, was hurt and dejected. It also meant how soon she would be back her lords good graces was entirely up to me. If I gave a good report, it would show she was worthy of his attention and favor. If I said 'she did her best but not enough' or worse that she was lazy and didn't even try, she would have nothing from him but scorn and disdain until she proved herself again.

I opened the door and waved her in. I let the door slide shut. “What's your name again, Saph, right?” She nodded deeply. “We have the whole night ahead of us Saph. Why don't you start by taking off that ridiculous cloth and join me on the bed.” She took her gag off and walked to stand right in front of me, as I sat on my couch. “And the rest of the cloth sweetie, you knew that's what I meant right? If you're scared,keep the silk parts on. But the cloth, the dress, it comes off right now. I want to see if I like you. And I think you want me to like you...or at least, to like what you do.” She actually turned around to take the rest of her clothes off, except her bandanna. That she kept loosely around her neck, as a reminder or a possible hand hold. I smiled when she turned back around. “You must understand that a good report from me puts you back in the lords good graces. But whether you earn a bad report form me or a good one you will have , well, earned it one way or the other. Do you understand what that means?”

She held her arms in front of her, palms up. I nodded and she answered my question. “this night is a proving ground for me, a chance to demonstrate my worth and competence, as much as it is a show of disgrace and rejection of me from his majesty.”

“Exactly right. I don't mind telling you to have the woman in gold sent to my chambers for the night gives me a thrilling sense of self-confidence and delight. Even if it is just because he didn't want you at his side for a while. Now, once you take off my pants you will sink to your knees and put your head in my lap. Until I tell you to stop you will do nothing but caress and fondle me. Hopefully that will be because we've moved to more intense expressions of passion.”

...I'm happy to say she followed my instructions flawlessly. Now I decide if I tell Jafar that.

Editors Note: GNDN stands for "Goes Nowhere; Does Nothing"