Merlin trusts Arthur's judgment and character. Eventually even Morganna acknowledged that Merlin has proven himself willing to lay down his life for Arthur. If Merlin's only reason for doing this was because Arthur was the prince, and later the king, it wouldn't have made as much sense. What follows is one chance Merlin might have had to prove both of his deepest conviction at once. I hope he never asks about this:
We were sitting next to the fire I had made. He was crouched over it a little to my left. I didn't want to intrude on his thoughts and I wasn't sure I'd like what he would tell me if he ever did speak them. So I just focused my attention on the skewered vegetables I was cooking. I'd used my power to stoke the fire, and was spending part of my attention turning the sticks anyway. It was a weird feeling, being able to show him the truth of what I was, and not getting any reaction from him about it whatsoever. Then I realized why he was so calm about it. Actually there were two explanations. Either he was so preoccupied with his thoughts he didn't have energy to react, or without knowing magic was against the law, he personally didn't care.
“Why are you helping me, Merlin?”
“Because I am your friend, Arthur. And because I really don't have a choice.”
“I realize I've only known you for a few days.” Arthur began. I gaped at him. “Well for my part I have. No matter how long we knew each-other before, I only remember the passed few days.”
“I cannot disagree. Which raises the question, what DO you think based on these passed days?”
“That you hide too much of yourself.” Was the almost immediate response. “Either that or you have a really messed up view of yourself. What you've told me and what you've shown me don't add up. And if you don't answer me of your own volition I WILL find a way to make you tell me.”
“Arthur I don't understand.” I told him firmly. “If the past few days are all that can inform you..”
“I never said that!” He shouted. He jumped from the campfire over to me in seconds, drawing a dagger as he did so. I held my hands rigidly at my sides as I asked him what he meant. “You say your station is as my servant, yet you call me by my first name and are as bold as brass about your intentions. You act like you've had your mouth sewn shut for months if not years, but you never think anything of stating exactly what's on your mind. You make no sense.”
“If you remembered what has passed between us you wouldn't find anything wrong with the first part of that.” I told him as firmly as I could. “Being your servant does not mean agreeing with everything you say. In fact, you've always told me that my brash honesty and forthright manner is one of the main reasons you like having me around. It was almost like there would be no reason to have someone so close to you if all they did was keep their mouth shut. You usually take just me on your quests. It leaves little room to worry what others think of my...informality. I've never felt it was undesired to call you Arthur.”
He pulled the dagger a bit further from my neck. I sighed with relief and did my best to look him in the face.
“What about the rest of it?” Arthur asked me plainly.
“You are right when you say that I've been hiding too much of myself. At least, you are not wrong. There is a part of myself I've always tried to hide. It wasn't my opinions or perceptions. I've always felt free to share those...Which is one more thing I am grateful for, both to you and to whoever god may be that you accept my opinion and actually consider it at all...one more reason I follow you so devotedly. To dispel an answer you don't have...Am I the king's servant or am I yours?”
“How do you mean?”
“You are the king of Camelot. I became your servant not long at all after coming into the town, a few years before you would come to the throne. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because of who you are. I wanted to make sure you knew the distinction.”
He tightened his grip on the dagger and his eyes grew cold. “What exactly it the point?”
“Who told you anything else about either of us?” I asked him blankly. “Was it a woman with long, black hair, dressed in black, with a pale face and sallow eyes?”
“What does that matter to you?” Arthur demanded coldly.
“Morganna is your half-sister Arthur. Although neither of you even knew that for most of your lives. She hated your father and she hates your one-sided view of her kind. But she's wrong. Your view is not one-sided, only limited. And I mean from a lack of experience, not personal beliefs or prejudice. If you'd HAD anything else to go on, any other wizards like me, you'd not hate or fear “her kind” like you are known to. As far as her insistence that her rightful place is on the throne of Camelot...You have always been a better leader and a better person than your father ever was or she could ever be. It took me longer than I'd care to admit to see why I follow you so blindly. I suppose that is my point and my question. I tend to prattle on about things like this. I really should ask how you want to proceed here.”
“Be direct and be concise.” Arthur told me through gritted teeth.
“I follow YOU, Arthur.” I told him passionately. “Our enemies have never understood my devotion to you. To them I am the prince's servant nothing more. Now, I suppose they would call me the king's servant. Morganna actually asked me why I follow you so blindly. I don't know what finally made her understand it. But she asked me why I have proved myself willing to lay down my life for you. I was too relieved that she'd finally seen I AM willing, to answer her question very clearly at all. But she's wrong; it isn't blind devotion. And it isn't because you are a king. You and I could be equals by law and I'd still feel honored and privileged to consider you my friend. I would still never leave your side. And it isn't duty or loyalty that keeps me with you. I have faith in you Arthur, and I believe in who you are as a person...no matter the dangers we face together or what the understanding is between us.” I looked at the ground.
“What do you refer to?” Arthur asked me in a slow, deliberate voice.
“There was a sorcerer I met a long time ago. He asked me why I'm so loyal to you when you treat me like a slave. This was early enough in our adventures that you really didn't take much notice of me, compared to the trust and respect you've shown me in the last year or so. But even if you did! Even if we stopped being friends and I was nothing but a servant, in your eyes...For my part it would change nothing. I'd still follow you to the ends of the Earth. And I'd still be trying to save your royal backside.”
He pulled his dagger back and dropped it. He looked stunned. I don't know if it was more to do with what he'd just threatened me with or with what I'd told him. Not that it really changed anything.
He turned from me physically and started pacing. “How could I have been so stupid!” He chastised himself. “How could I have put everything together and come to such a wrong conclusion?”
He seemed to be directly asking me, so I answered him directly. “I doubt you did.” Arthur looked up at me, as though unsure I'd actually told him that. “From what I can tell, Morganna probably observed everything that has happened these past three days, gave you an accurate description of them, which earned acceptance that she knew what she was talking about. She probably told you her conclusion of my motivations, based on everything that has physically happened these passed few days. She'd have presented herself as being more direct and open about her own motives and conclusions than I was. It would have turned your doubts and uncertainties about me into convictions of duplicity. Lacking any other conclusion to draw after our time together, you accepted her interpretation.”
“How can she know me that well?” Arthur stated, in mystified voice.
“She was Uther's ward officially.” I answered. “She grew up along side you, but not AS your sister. However colored her vision is now, she has a lot of...experiences...to tell her how to achieve her goals.”
“Can you fill in the gaps?” Arthur asked me plainly.
“I can restore your memories easily, once we get back to Camelot and I look up the right spell. Also I need to talk to Gaius...my guardian. He'll know better than anyone how and why to get this done...I need to tell him it's by your own request so he doesn't think I'm risking my neck. I'm pretty good at magic, but this seems to need a more...He is the most learned person I know. He'll tell me the risks and all.”
We got to Camelot pretty quickly after that. Gaius wasn't around but I looked through some of his books and found the spell, and the ingredients I would need. I didn't see Arthur again until much later that night. And I can only pray I'll remember it as clearly and accurately as I do now.
“Arthur are you even there?” I told him. He didn't seem to hear me. “Arthur what's happened to you?” I yelled. Nothing seemed to work. He was walking toward me as slowly and deliberately as...anything and nothing at the same time. “Arthur do you know who I am?” I persisted.
“The darkest wizard in the five kingdoms.” He answered me, as though his response was built in. “A sorcerer with more destructive powers than any I have ever faced. I don't imagine a sword would normally be very effective against your kind.” He added easily. “But my friend has dampened your powers by her own arts. You must stoop to defending yourself with metal.” He tossed me a sword. I heard it clank on the stones, just in front of me. I didn't bother looking at it.
“Did you design this to be a duel in the dead of night?” I asked him simply. “No one is around who can help me or hold you accountable. I can't help wondering which part of that you had more in your head. To be perfectly honest, I'm grateful for both considerations.”
“Why exactly is that?”
“Oh let's get to that in a minute...” I began.
“No, now.” Arthur ordered.
“I wouldn't want anyone to see you like this, OR see what I might have to do to stop you.” I answered in a pretty clipped voice. “I tell you, figuratively binding my hands so I'll have to use a sword is the single most useless move she's ever made. If she had a faint notion of what she's seen of us, even these past few days much less the years since I came to Camelot, she'd know it is both useless and pointless.”
“If I were you I would not doubt her skills at magic, or over-estimate your talent at fighting.” Arthur told me coldly. I would have laughed at him if he'd said that in any other situation.
“That's not what I mean.” I told him as clearly as I could. “I know I could never equal much less best you in a fight. I do not doubt for a second that her spells would be as effective on their assigned function as any of my own. But her purpose is not furthered by that function...” I had to take a breath before I threw down the gauntlet, as it were. “...I will not fight you.”
“You think I would not strike an unarmed man?” He told me fiercely.
I smiled at him.“I think if you were alright killing me in cold blood, you wouldn't have bothered offering me a sword. And I'll consider this an execution rather than a murder. But on what charge?”
“Why do you always have to play word games?” Arthur persisted.
“Arthur, you can't be doing this because I have magic!” I yelped. “Your benefactor has those powers. You've said so yourself. I have made no show of my abilities to lead you to think I have such powers as what you're ascribing to me. So that must be her influence as well. I always wanted to tell you the truth. I have hoped if you ever figured this out about me, you would judge how I would use my abilities based on the quality of my heart. What I'm trying to say is: please judge my heart and intentions on more than just the passed three days or what others tell you.” In a flash I saw what he was thinking, as clearly and cleanly as though he'd sent me the pictures and the message with his mind on purpose. “Do you hate me so badly because you believe I've lied to you?”
“Do you deny it?” He hissed.
“I've never lied to you.” I insisted. “I've learned when to shut up and when not to bother talking. But I have never lied to you about who or what I am. Although I see no reason to hide the latter anymore.”
“Enough words!” He shrieked at me. “Enough riddles, no more nonsense no more deceit!” He rushed at me. I felt the hilt of his sword thump against my chest. I fell down, out of breath. “Why don't you pick up the sword and fight?!” He demanded of me. “Or try one of your spells? I said she's dampened you magic, I never said she stole it from you.” He backhanded me. “You might not be able to win, but at least you could defend yourself!”
“Why would I?” I answered blankly. Then I'd be proving myself a liar.”
“What do you mean?” He told me. “And you'd better not play around with me.”
"Arthur, I once said I was willing to die for you. I've actually tried to on occasion. If Morgana hadn't blanked out your mind I wouldn't have to say it; you already knew. From the challenge with the wine goblets...Facing Kilgarrah, going on the run from Morganna's army when she seized the throne. The battle that ensued was one more thing if you learned the complete truth of you'd never question my loyalty, though you might have taken my head off for other reasons. Morgana claimed hereditary ruler-ship at the head of an immortal army. And you rallied your followers to take the kingdom back. What I'm saying is there's been a lot of times where I've shown you the truth of my soul, what you now see as manipulation and deception. Arthur, This IS who I am. That hasn't changed. Nor has the first promise I ever made you. It seems ages ago...After your battle with the questing beast I told you I was happy to be your servant until the day I died. I will be and I am; even if that's today.”
Arthur crumpled into a mess on the ground. His face looked flushed, as if with tears as well as pain.
“I'm sorry.” He breathed. “I'm so sorry.”
“Arthur, I think we have to share the blame on this one.” I told him as I sat down next to him. He looked up at me, with almost a plea in his eyes. “You told me earlier I wasn't making sense. I should have realized that if you didn't remember our adventures together, you couldn't exactly take them into consideration figuring out who to trust. Without our history together, you have no particular reason to trust me...beyond to be good at my work."
“You are a true friend Merlin. But I need to ask...Have I always known?”
“That I trust your judgment and would follow you to the ends of the Earth? Yeah. That was kind of hard to ignore. I've gone back and forth in my mind whether you realized my heart and devotion were because of who, not what you are. I mean, becoming your servant in the first place, wasn't really either of our choices. Over time, I think we've both learned to view and accept each other for who we truly are and not anything the world would shape us into or paint us as...Well, for the most part.”
He looked at me as sharply as he could. “What else are either of us hiding?”
“It isn't that.” I answered automatically. “I'm not hiding anything anymore. I suppose that's one more thing I should have seen the importance of. I stoked the fire with my magic and was turning the meat on the sticks without touching them. You saw me do this and didn't react in fear or suspicion. I should have realized then it was safe to tell you...There are laws against any and all use of magic. Your father usually treated magic users as being evil and dangerous...as if we were always as bad as murderers. I loved you enough, and understood you well enough to know you'd never see me that way. I still am a liar, for keeping this from you. To me that is a worse crime; a fate and a label even more fiercely to be avoided. I didn't want your feelings to me and you obligation to your people to get in the way of each other. It is that simple.”
“You weren't just scared for your life?” Arthur asked in a curious tone.
“This is why we have to share the blame Arthur. I was sure you would eventually accept who I am as a person, even in spite of my powers. But I was mortified you wouldn't see that my abilities are as much a part of me as the clothes I wear, the brash honesty I have or my devotion to the ideals we share: equality, justice and...valor I guess is the word. It was revolutionary, the honor you showed knighting our friends around the table of the court of the ancient kings. In one stroke you threw the 'knights are of noble birth' ancient law of Camelot out the proverbial window, and showed everyone there the king you were becoming. But I couldn't convince myself you would ever make magic legal. I didn't want you to have to see me as a good person in spite of my magic or a bad person because I have it. If those were the only conclusions you'd make in light of this discovery, you would be better off in the dark. I was BORN with magic. I live with the responsibility and danger it brings, unto itself. Having the powers that I do is a great burden, treasure and responsibility all in one. Honestly, I think it would be even if magic was suddenly NOT a crime punishable by death. Magic can be used for evil, but it cannot make me better or worse as a person and in my heart than I am. Actually, one thing Morganna told you was right on point.”
“Okay, you have my attention.” Arthur replied weakly.
“Morganna must have realized somehow that I am Emrys.” I replied, admittedly cryptically. “Either that or she was making up a lie that happened to be accurate. I DO have more power in me than most others I've met with magic. Other sorcerers both good and evil have noticed how natural I am with my gifts. I was told long ago that no matter how much I can do with my gifts, what I choose to do with them is who and what I am. It's taken me the better part of six years to realize how true this is. Come to the point? It doesn't matter what I can do with my powers. I never studied magic or taught it to myself; it's in me as though it were my lifeblood. I choose the purpose for my skills, how I use these gifts. I made a choice long ago to use them to save your life and help you become the king so many of our friends saw in you.”
“There are others then, as devoted to me as you are?”
“The knights of the round table were already devoted to you Arthur; before you knighted them. You showed them there is more they can achieve than what your father's law would set for them. More to the point, you have always been a force for justice, freedom and all that's good. They saw that and were inspired by your vision and leadership. I don't know Elyan and Percival that well, but if magic ever was alright by law, the others wouldn't have much of a problem with me on that score...or so I gather.”
“That's nice to know.” Arthur told me. Which part of my statement he was referring to eluded me.
“Slightly more to the point, my magic unto itself, cannot change my character, in either direction. My abilities are just one more thing that make my destiny so special...and make it easier to fulfill.”
At that moment Merlin would have put the back of his hand against his mouth, as though horrified he'd spoken openly. But as I hope the reader has deduced, none of this actually ever happened.
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