Literally everything about me

 This is not a story. it is a declaration and a open introduction.

"I don't care." It's the single most confusing and difficult statement for me to force out of my mouth. What most people mean when they say that is 'It doesn't bother me.' That's true. I'm not bothered by what I hear. Divergence or dissonance or anti-normal behaviors, none of that bothers me. But I do CARE. I care more than most people would and more than a lot of my friends would believe. Why do we so easily confuse 'It doesn't matter to me one way or another' with 'I acknowledge and I support it, it doesn't trouble me'. I first read this in the 6th grade. "Don't you guys care --Of course we care --No mean doesn't it bother you? -- No, why should it?" Because I was reading a book for fun in middle school, I assume most adults are at least familiar with the concept. My life the past 7 years taught me how wrong I was. People actually still need to be introduced to the difference between the negative and inclusive applications of “I don't care”.

I can take the alcohol just fine. I don't dilute my drinks to dilute the alcohol. Some people, if their stomachs can take it they'd drink straight vodka or straight whiskey. if diluting the drink means more gulps in the glass...so much the better. There's another difference between everyone I know who drinks regularly and myself. Between what everyone thinks of me/how they interpret my behavior. and what my behavior actually is. That is the difference between what they have learned and what I am. My taste buds are sensitive. I would not want the punch that comes from the FLAVOR of straight whiskey or straight alcohol..no matter the ABV or the gin v rum thing. I have sensitive taste buds and when I get 'hit' with anything I drink, it's the taste, not the proof that hits me. I know it's not the ABV because it's true with fruit juices and tea. I'm with my cousin Miriam WD on this one: I love corn, no seasoning, I love mild foods for the same reason. When I drink mild drinks it isn't because I'm a lightweight with alcohol, it's because I'm sensitive to sugar and because my Tongue had more receptors than most people. Everyone thinks and speak and hears in ABV in 'getting drunk' and the alcohol messing with your stomach. My stomach gets messed with plenty...because of my STOMACH, not my LIVER. And all anyone hears is what they were raised with. Or at least taken in the context they hear all the damn time. So they never know what I'm actually trying to say.

I don't identify myself as autistic. But I know that how I am mirrors autism. And if people know how to interact with a person on the spectrum, they know how to interact with me. the result of my life, my medication and my upbringing in general has created a kind of mute, careful, taking things literal easily put down person that I can totally see why autism was suspected or why people think I'm high functioning autism. the reason I don't correct them is because one: the end result is the same. And two: I still need someone to talk to me 'on my level' and take things into account. If you know how to talk to an autisitic or schziophrenic person than you know how to talk to me. But while I was diagnosed as a schizophrenic for 16 years and believed I was schizophrenic for so long and was raised with that as my reality. It fairly recently tuned out not to be true. Autism was the other suspected cause or condition, the 'on hand' fall back and the only other thing that made sense. It would have been a misdiagnosis if anyone had actually tested me for it. I am a reflection of 'on the spectrum'. The same (intrapersonal) treatments would work. As far as therapy and medication goes the treatments for autism wouldn't have worked any better than for ADHD or OCD. and I've been on meds for them too!

To clarify. I said 'I am a reflection of 'on the spectrum'. Meaning I mirror it or am mistaken for it. What people see in me is a false-positive in thier minds for autism. As far as I know I am not on the spectrum. And the reason I don't get tested is because what they are looking at is survival and conditioned responses from years of shit I shouldn't have been expected to deal with and never shared with anyone until it was way too late. I am neruodivergent. I am a-typical. But I'm no more autistic than I am schizophrenic.

'I am a reflection of 'on the spectrum'. Meaning I mirror it or am mistaken for it. What people see in me is a false-positive for autism. As far as I know I am not on the spectrum. The reason I don't get tested is because what they are looking at makes more sense than what was thought. I am neuro-divergent. I am A-typical. I am saying this because I spent 16 years on 2 categories of meds 'A-typical antipsychotics' and SNRI's. I am no more autistic than I am schizophrenic. It's just people actually have a reason to think I'm autistic and I never had the visual and auditory hallucinations people were trying to use those meds to get rid of for SIXTEEN YEARS. As I repeatedly stated I don't see them as I see you or hear them. They are just in my mind's eye. They are imaginary characters that never got turned off. (I said like this back when I still had them) It was based solely on these 'visual and auditory hallucinations' that I didn't have and *told them I didn't have I was diagnosed and treated for schizophrenia in the first place. I have a hell of a lot of anger that not only were they trying to fix the wrong thing about me, but I was never like that in the first place and I was raised believing the wrong thing about myself, with the wrong image of myself *as my reality* just because no one would listen to me.

Ultimately my point is I was diagnosed and medicated for a condition that if anyone had listened it could have been seen I didn't have. For 16 years people tried to remove these 'visual and auditory hallucinations' from me. That was regarded and listed as one of my primary symptoms. Even though I repeatedly said that I didn't see them as I see you, or hear them, they 'are' strictly in my mind's eye. I had real, visual cues or whatever to suggest I might be autistic and no one picked up on it or seriously considered it. One shrink I had early in my college years said it was 'extremely unlikely for me to be on the autistic spectrum because schizophrenic conditions and autistic disorders rarely coincide'. I am verbatem quoting her. Turns out I'm NOT schizophrenic. I only learned that for myself, for certain 5 years ago. If people hadn't been so convinced certain I was schizophrenic, enough to convince ME I was for so many years, they might have considered the other slightly more possible explanation. The medications I was put on to fight this phantom condition would never have messed me up like they have. This fits the definition of ironic, painful, even *tragic* in my book.